A Southerner's Advice to a Yankee

 

To all persons born above the Mason - Dixon Line, outside of the great states of the
Southern Confederacy, and especially those transplanted left coast Californians.
Whenever you are blessed to find yourself in one of the great Southern states, especially
the Deep South and down to the Gulf, remember the following rules :

 

 

1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let
them cook something they know.

 

 

2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray,Tammy Ann, Mari Beth,
and Inez have all been known to open a can of whoop ass for less than that.

 

 

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a merciless beating.
Down South, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

 

 

4. Don't show allegiances to any college football team that isn't a ACC team. All the
others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Utah every week.

 

 

5. Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are more literate than
you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.,Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom, MTV,
FedEx and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g.,Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb; we know better!

 

 

6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit yer bitchin', spend your money,
and leave.

 

 

7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know
you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended.

 

 

8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.

 

 

9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it
here, take your Yankee ass back home.

 

 

10. We don't play lacrosse, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't ask
about the scores. We simply don't care.

 

 

11. We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way because we want to and we
can. It's like playing the blues; you have to know how to do it right first.

 

 

12. Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could
lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. You're dern lucky that
we let you come down here in the first place, don't push your luck! So, eat yer grits,
spend yer money, and, for God's sake

 

---TURN OFF YOUR DAMN TURN SIGNAL!!!!!

 

 

Yall come back now, ya hear.

 

P.S. Remember, all weather comes from the Weather Channel, which is located in
Atlanta. So when you're digging out from your third blizzard in twelve days, you can
be sure there's a bunch of southerners going "Glad I don't live there".

 

Of course we do tend to cure a drought with a hurricane...

 

Pass this to ya'lls friends-